


Catapult

by supercanaries



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Clexa, College, Enemies to Lovers, F/F, Nerd Clarke, popular lexa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-09 18:22:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12281976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supercanaries/pseuds/supercanaries
Summary: You would think the life of the most popular girl on campus is easy and unwavering. What if Lexa’s reputation doesn’t match the person she’s always been? What if it takes a blue-eyed, social nobody to break the illusive pavement of glass she walks upon? [Nerd/Popular AU]





	Catapult

**Author's Note:**

> This story was born out of the encouragement and support of my friend Simona (wonderswoman on tumblr). I've been struggling with my writing for a very long time, and while I'm absolutely passionate about it, I've become too self-conscious. For years I've tried to keep the writing constant but I would hate what I wrote and gave up on publishing. Hopefully, this story marks a turning point for that. 
> 
> I was really shy about posting about Clexa. I've always thought it had one of the most creative fandoms and I was really afraid I wouldn't be good enough to give the proper value or quality the ship deserves. It's thanks to Simona that I have found it in myself to try and write and publish. I hope you enjoy this introduction to the story and that it's not too out of place for the characters.

There’s a moment in your life where you reach that perfect balance; everything is right where it’s supposed to be, and you are so much in control of your schedule and the direction you are heading into that days just flow with the minimum effort. Career goals seem realistic and have run out of the ‘I’m never gonna make it’ page of your journal; social life is great, you hang out with your friends because you are capable of making time and not fail any of your classes; you are definitely not in need of a job to support yourself in college because of the situation of privilege and fortune you swim in. Everything is going great with just the right amount of effort for someone to put into their life and keep being healthy.

Is it normal, at that point, for someone to feel … bored with their life? 

Living in Ohio is not part of the big plan itself for Lexa. She has dreams of flying away and start her legal career where it better fits her persona. However, for a huge amount of time she’s been at comfort in Columbus. She’s always felt like the city was not big enough for her, but it’s not until lately that the claustrophobic feeling of it started becoming real. On a rational level, she knew. On an emotional, authentic level, she had never experienced this blunt nothingness.

What she’s learned in barely twenty-one years of her life is that she owns her emotions. Lexa has an ability for control that has allowed her, over the years, to go through stress, sadness, anger, all sorts of emotions without anyone in her social circle really noticing. Because of that she’s often a silent leader amongst her friends. She’s listened to, sometimes as if her words were gold in verbal form - which she finds ridiculous. She’s never asked for this position. It comes naturally every time.

Yet, while it was flattering in her youngest years, Lexa is too mature to feel accomplishment for the relevance she is given amongst people of her age on futile matters. It doesn’t help that being the head of the group isn’t doing anything to soften the feeling of emptiness and indifference she is beginning to struggle with. Being cool? That’s nice, but what does it really do for you at the end of the day? No one knows how hard you have it inside, no one can tell when you’re upset if you build unbreakable walls. 

Everyone is just so uninteresting and uninterested, it leaves Lexa wondering: what is the purpose of this life? Flawless grades? Impeccable style? Being outspoken yet sensible for the sake of who? Everything is flowing, yet nothing ever stays.

Sometimes the miracle of life itself, the magic of it or whatever you want to call it, is that things happen at the only time they could have happened for you to notice them and let the wave crash onto your quiet desolated beach. It’s only doubt that can take you off the pedestal and when you walk amongst others, you can finally see others. 

There’s this little trick life does that when something is meant to happen, it will. No matter how absurd the hypothetical conditions for it to be are suddenly plausible. Because, honestly, Lexa being late to a non-mandatory lecture on corporate law is not something you would define as ‘plausible’.

And yet …

She’s only just turned into the second to last hallway, she is this close to her precious lecture on bankruptcy, as she experiences the feeling of fast-pacing clumsily around campus for the first time in years, anxiety making a comeback as if it had never left (ridiculous for an optional lecture, but still the thought of walking in when everyone else is already sat and the lecture has begun and everybody will be looking at her ...), when she sees Bellamy Blake crowding the space of a pretty short, tiny brunette girl she’s not sure she’s ever seen before.

“I’m sorry, I’m just gonna go.” The girl looks evidently uncomfortable with the way Bellamy has his arm against the wall, next to her head.

“Go, why?” Bellamy frowns comically. 

‘Don’t mind it,’ Lexa thinks, ‘keep walking, no purpose there for sure.’

There’s a little twitch in her stomach because she’s been where this girl is when she was younger. She also knows Bellamy, of course, he’s part of their little group, and she knows he means no harm and he really does not get how predatory that is and how scary it gets for girls. Yet, no matter how close she is to him, relying to the girl is so automatic in this situation that Lexa - despite her best (or worst) priorities - stops her restless pace and she is standing right next to them.

She knows if she will just explain why it’s wrong, Bellamy will listen.

“Hey-” 

The word is just barely whispered in such a quiet tone that there is no way Bellamy and this girl will have caught it; especially not with the simultaneous pull of Bellamy’s arm from someone else. Someone who Lexa has honestly never seen before on campus.

“Hey, why don’t you piss off?” The newcome girl says, her shockingly blue eyes sending clearer threats than her tone. “It doesn’t take much to see my friend is uncomfortable and you are wearing glasses too.”

Bellamy looks weirded out by what he ironically sees as an assault.

‘Of course,’ Lexa thinks, ‘he just doesn’t get it.’

“Huh, I’m sorry-”

“You should be.” The mystery blonde is insisting. “Everybody who does this should be very sorry. It’s creepy and invading, and honestly, I have no idea how men think it could be sexy to anyone, ever. Now, would you leave my friend alone?”

Lexa is in awe for an unwilling moment. She thinks of all the times she’s thought it wasn’t sexy, she thinks of all the men who have done that and only annoyed her. She thinks of how she herself was going to walk into this situation and yet, of how she would have never been so blunt about it. Is it because Bellamy is her friend? Or is it … does Lexa not have the spine to stand up for someone the way this girl just did?

“I will leave her alone, I promise.” Bellamy sounds honestly sorry despite his puzzlement. 

“You better.” The blonde says and when Bellamy walks it off, barely even noticing Lexa, she turns to her.

Lexa looks into the bluest eyes on this planet, dumbfounded and unable to speak for what is the first time in years. She is bright and witty and forthcoming, and yet, no word comes out of her mouth. 

“Wow, you were just standing there.” The girl says. “Too cool for us losers?”

“Clarke.” Her friend pulls her arm, silently asking to let it go.

For a moment, Clarke (now why would Lexa even find this information interesting?) stands there, unwilling to answer to this quiet prayer. She stares right into Lexa’s eyes, making her feel naked despite her cream sweater and empty despite being full of unspeakable emotions. Lexa doesn’t look down or away from it. There’s a challenge in Clarke’s gaze and while Lexa might agree with the accusation, she will not be intimidated.

Right when she’s found that spark in herself to speak, Clarke seems to finally surrender to the will of her friend. Her eyes squint only briefly at Lexa and the two of them walk it off side by side.

Lexa’s stomach flips on itself and she runs away from the hallway, away from the lecture, and straight to the dorms.

It’s silly that she is letting this get to her, she’s aware. Yet, once the door of her shared room is closed behind her back, once she’s made sure Octavia is not around, Lexa rests an arm against the wall and her forehead on it, breathless.

She thinks back of the past two years and a half here, of how no one questions what she says and how brilliant she looks every time she has an answer for everything. She thinks of moments ago, when she couldn’t even speak and she looked like a complete idiot. She curses herself, for not saying anything about Bellamy, then for not saying anything to Clarke. She feels stupid for feeling bad.

It’s only by the flip of Octavia’s keys into the lock that she’s pulled out of this fuzzy little bubble.

When she moves away from the wall and just stands in the middle of the room, lights out, she knows she’s been somehow caught. Caught being human. Twice on the same day? That is so not Lexa Woods.

“Lexa?” Octavia giggles awkwardly, doors still half-opened. “What are you doing?”

Lexa fake laughs in such a ridiculous way, no chance it’s believable. It’s probably the loudest Lexa has ever been.

“It’s absolutely hilarious, I had just walked in-”

“I didn’t catch you in the hallway.” Octavia is quick to reply. She’s either really good or Lexa really sucks at this.

“I’m all about being discreet.” Lexa shrugs, something in her voice making Octavia give it up despite the fact that she evidently wants to push for more.

“I did catch Bellamy though, he’s all worked up over something he didn’t want to share.” Her roommate says, with an accusatory tone, as if to say ‘no one’s sharing today’. “I told him to get a grip, but he seemed mildly over the top of his agitation for that already. I take it today is a weird day for most.”

‘You bet it is,’ Lexa thinks but what she says instead, idiotically is, “Must be the weather.”

Octavia gives her a look that speaks volumes on how Lexa’s never said anything so out of place, random and conversational before, but fortunately, she lets this slip as well and throws bag onto the bed. Lexa’s eye twitches just a little, as she’s now in control of her own emotions when it comes to Octavia’s messy half of the room.

“Wanna get some coffee?” Octavia asks nonchalantly taking her shirt off and making it a cover for her bag with a throw. 

Lexa shifts uncomfortably and looks away, crossing her arms to her chest and swinging from one foot to the other. She used to be so much more comfortable changing around girls. Her eyes didn’t wander, her mind didn’t even travel two feet away. Of late though, well … she doesn’t want to think about it.

“I guess.” She replies absently, her effort being put into not questioning what is it that is making her act as if she’s fallen from the clouds and is seeing earth for the first time.

“Jeez, don’t be too thrilled.” Octavia scoffs as she changes in sports clothes - which is what she wears ninety per cent of the time, by the way. 

“Oh, I am thrilled.” Lexa finally looks at her, gives her a teasing smile when Octavia looks back. “I cannot begin to put into words just how much I look forward to listening to you complain about your brother and praise your boyfriend’s best, huh, qualities.”

Octavia smirks.

“Someone must gossip.” She slaps Lexa’s arm playfully. “Nothing’s ever going on with you, I gotta cover that field for both of us.”

Just like that, she’s out of the door, leaving Lexa to catch up.

She tries not think of these words, of how Octavia apparently has a quality for touching sore spots; tries not to let it go to her head. Instead, she rests her bag on the desk and pulls out her phone and wallet. When she follows Octavia outside, she’s repeating ‘let it go’ inside her head so loudly, the wouldn’t be any room for other thoughts anyway. It’s like counting sheep to put undefined worries to sleep.

Everything around campus’s quieter than usual, and maybe it is because of the weather after all. The sky is gray and feels heavy with promise of storms. Now if Lexa’s inner tempest wasn’t so dim that she has to thunder it out, then she would let the weather make her grumpy.

The bar next to campus is as empty as the rest of it, waiting in line won’t be today’s issue, so they’re sitting down by a window in a few minutes. Lexa looks outside for a moment, to the desaturated Polis campus and its massive, intimidating walls. Some students find them threatening, Lexa feels home in that castle. 

When Octavia starts chatting with passion about a party they must attend in two weeks, Lexa slips onto the whole a little bit more down the hole. She likes parties. Lexa is one of the most popular girls on campus, and she enjoys a drink and stupid party games and dancing with her mind off what bugs her. Octavia though is another story. She lives for parties, which is probably due to the fact that she spent most of her life in a house with a room as tiny as hole - just like Bellamy as. That makes the wild life even more appealing to her than it does to others. A silly party is such a marvel in her eyes.

“You’re lucky you’re the boss here.” Octavia jokes as she sips her coffee. “That bitch Ontari hates the crap out of us, but she wouldn’t dare to turn down Lexa Woods.”

Lexa gives her a scolding look to remind her the B word rule.

“Hate,” she comments sardonically, “such a strong word for college.”

“I tell you she is obsessed with stealing your thunder!” Octavia insists, her eyes sparkling with excitement. The girl sure likes her plotting. “She probably has one of those mean girl diaries where she’s written down her evil plan to become the new queen.”

“I am no queen.” Lexa rolls her eyes, nervously taps on her phone.

“But you are. People think you are.” Octavia suggests. “You’re the highest piece of college royalty. People think you’re smart, your grades are over the top, you’re skinny and pretty and every boy wants to date you. Damn, girls want to date you.”

Lexa looks up from the black resting screen of her phone and chuckles.

“You’re being silly.” She says, not recognizing the little twist that just took place in her chest. “I’m just doing my best to get an education and make my way out of here. It’s not really my fault that is considered extraordinary for lack of similar effort from other students.”

“Ah,” Octavia rolls her eyes, “passive aggressive already.”

“Nonsense makes me unfriendly.” Lexa smiles, unsettled by the emotions that lurking there, in the back somewhere and never fully coming out. “And don’t give me any of your ‘it’s college life science’, that will just make you look even more insane.”

“I’ll give you an example, then.” Octavia rests her arms on the table. “That girl over here? She could never sit at the same table as you at the cafeteria.”

Lexa smiles, exasperated, but turns to look nevertheless. When her wandering eyes meet the spot Octavia’s gesturing towards, her mouth quickly becomes a flat line again, her stomach twirls on itself and leaves her breathless.

That’s … Clarke.

The girl from the hallway accident is sitting at a nearby table, completely absorbed in whatever she is doing. Her fingers move smoothly as she strokes a notebook with her pencil, in movements that have clearly nothing to do with writing. The wire of her headphones runs from ears to the pocket of her jacket. Her blond hair is now tied in a bun, her eyes trace the path she’s creating on paper. Her casual clothes are so extremely ordinary and her posture is only a little clumsy. Lexa observes with a fascination she cannot explain.

“Why wouldn’t she?” Lexa asks quietly, as if she was afraid Clarke could hear her through the music.

“Seriously? Look at her.” Octavia chants as if she were stating the obvious. “She’s sitting all alone at a coffee house, sketching, out of the world. She probably has no clue about socialization. I think we share some classes. She wouldn’t wear accessories or match her outfits if held at gunpoint.”

“She’s just casual, what about it?” Lexa asks, finally looking away from Clarke. For some reason - which probably has much to do with what she witness not long ago - she stands up for her. “I mean, I wouldn’t mind not having to match my socks and my headband for once.”

“But see, you know you have to.” Octavia’s brainwashed, Lexa is thinking at this point. “Because you know all eyes are going to be on you. Just like Clarke knows, nobody cares what she wears, like, at all. People barely know she exists.”

The words are somehow unsettling to Lexa. There’s comfort and privilege in being the most popular girl, but if this is the deal she’s making, if this is the morality she’s surrendering … is it really worth it? There’s so much that is flawed about Octavia’s reasoning, so many objections to make, and yet, the next words to come out of her mouth have nothing to do with general statements.

“We both know she does exist, don’t we?” She almost stutters with no proper control on her own speech anymore. “It’s two of us here and we know she exists. That’s a cent per cent score.”

Octavia frowns and looks at her unbelievingly. Lexa thinks she must have let herself slip into a very dark hole if someone thinks she’d agree with this. Ultimately though, the biggest truth in most of Lexa’s relationship is that everyone on campus is under the same spell as Octavia. So, of course, while poking at how much of an underdog Clarke is, Octavia is still naturally subdued to her nature of second in command. And Lexa … she is on top of the pyramid. 

“I guess.” Octavia sighs, defeated. “Didn’t think you know her. She is so quiet.”

Lexa raises her eyebrows: it’s clear Octavia knows nothing of Clarke. Clarke stood up for her friend bravely, without any hesitation. Lexa does not need to elevate her with words. Clarke elevates herself with actions. Telling herself Octavia has no clue what she’s talking about, Lexa sinks into a temporary challenge not to ever gaze at her right, where Clarke is supposed to be. Sometimes her head will turn but her eyes won’t follow because she catches herself in time.

Of course, it turns out Octavia partly does know what she is talking about. The one time Lexa loses the self-control she had such a solid grip on for minutes, Clarke is not there anymore. Lexa’s curious eyes scan over the seat, as if she was wondering what sort of magic did it. No sound, no movement that caught the attention. Clarke just disappeared leaving no trace. Lexa almost wonders: was she even there in the first place?

“Damn, the weather.” Octavia says, sudden and knowing, with a smug awareness over her features. “Gets to your pretty head.”

Lexa winces, but doesn’t say anything. Once she’s grasping over her own logical nature again, she figure it’s better not to comment on the senseless insinuation. Indifference is a strong tool; one she seems unable to apply to mysterious student Clarke for some reason.

***

The end of the week comes quickly, with Lexa’s busy schedule, the gatherings with her friends, Octavia continuously alluding to something Lexa won’t address and especially the thought on the back of her head. It’s almost obsessive in a way, when Lexa is not buried in study, attending classes or emailing her dad, her mind flies to Clarke. This strange, marvelous being that makes Lexa question her previously undoubted ability to figure people out at first glance. It’s not what Clarke is, it’s not how Clarke works. One moment she’ll look like she can rip your head off for standing still and the other she will do her, sitting in complete silence, almost lost in an entirely different universe.

Her friends seem to notice something is off. It’s not surprising, after all: Lexa’s final word on everything becomes a difficult verdict to obtain; they would wait for her to speak and Lexa won’t know what to say because she had zoned out topics ago. They’d ask her for notes, Lexa can barely remember where she kept them. Her girl friends ask to borrow her clothes, Lexa won’t have them organized by color and occasion. It’s the third year of her life she spends with these people, they can definitely see the clues.

By the time Friday is almost gone as well, Lexa is left alone by a tree, not distant from the main entrance, trying to make sense of her unusually messy notes. Study, it seems, is the only thing that can unwrap her mind from a certain someone and certain specific encounters. Good for grades - well, if she could do better than acing everything.

She’s so absorbed in her isolation, that she almost literally jumps up when she is approached by Bellamy.

“Hey.” Bellamy speaks softly, but in Lexa’s quiet mental forest, it sounds like an earthquake. “You’re so jumpy lately.”

“Just focused.” Lexa shrugs it off in favor of turning the conversation into casual. “What’s up?”

“We’re going out for drinks later. Wanna join?” Bellamy slides his hands in his pockets.

“You couldn’t have texted me that?” Lexa tilts an eyebrow.

“I did, we all did.” Bellamy teases. “I guess after everyone took a spin at texting you and got ignored, we decided to send an ambassador to deliver the invitation. That would be me.” He bows exaggeratedly. “What will our majesty respond to that?”

Lexa laughs as nervously as she’s been doing during the past few days when people would make her notice stuff like that. She slips a hand into the front of her bag and takes out her phone. There’s so many notifications, it would have been impossible not to hear the buzz. Unless her head was up in the clouds again, which of course it is, very high, on the top of a tall tower.

“I’m sorry, I guess I’m just very focused.” She starts packing, feeling her own cheeks heat up. “Where will we be going?”

“Whatever takes your head off books, I guess.” Bellamy jokes.

Of course, books are not what Lexa’s mind is on. It’s unsettling how you can meet someone and have them so easily shake up your routine with no regard for your own space. There’s something about it that makes Lexa disappointed in herself. She has better focus than this, whatever happened to it? Maybe a night out, a little bit fun, is what will take her mind off it. Silly and stereotypical, but hey, what’s a girl to do?

By the time Bellamy has walked her back to her room, Lexa has managed to get some self-control. Her unspeakable weird emotions are not as in check as she’d like, and the jumpy phase isn’t over yet - if the way she coughs at Octavia coming out of the bathroom is any indication - but she feels like she can afford a relatively normal Friday night out. 

As a fan of always looking impeccable, Lexa spends quite the time on her attires. That’s not for the men though, that’s for sure. She dresses well for her own persona (or better, she’s unaware of the paradoxical way she does dress well for others; because she’s Lexa and she has a reputation to uphold to, and people will talk about how she dresses; if she’s poorly dressed, they’ll talk poorly of her). 

Her pick for the night is a white long-sleeved crop top and a black pencil skirt. So maybe it does fall into the whole ‘pretty brilliant chick’ cliché, but what of it? Lexa sincerely and truly loves those looks. It’s not because there’s guidelines and she has to follow them. And what if she is wearing heels on a night where she is tired and she could go for something more comfortable? It’s not because people would whisper if she didn’t choose her shoes right, no one cares about that; it’s simply because she loves high heels so much, she is willing to stand the pain.

By the time they are at their table at the City of Light (they being Lexa, Octavia, Bellamy and Lincoln - who is Octavia’s boyfriend), Lexa is starting to feel like herself again. She listens to others gossip and squeaks in to spread wisdom every now and then, handles light-hearted conversations as she’s learned to and diminishes all of Octavia’s conspiracy theories on Ontari. She almost wonders how many hours it’s been since she hasn’t thought of Clarke, and when she really does, the hours have been long enough to find comfort in the answer and mild discomfort at how creepy it is for her to occasionally obsess over someone she’s met and how complex the reasons behind this could be. 

But the pondering is brief and her friends do a better job distracting her than expected. Their table quickly fills with laughter, and Lexa is up to two virgin drinks when a hand rests on her shoulder. Even to that, Lexa does not react as wildly as the past week, in fact she merely looks up to meet Niylah’s gaze.

“Hey you guys, what is up?” She greets them cheerfully.

“Niylah!” Octavia chirps happily. “Oh my God, so you are alive!”

“Chill, smartass, I’ve been busy with the band.” Niylah rolls her eyes, and pats Lexa’s shoulder once more. 

“Too busy for friends?” Octavia pouts.

“If her friends are loud, as leader of a band, she’s entitled so safeguard her own hearing.” Lexa jokes, wiggling her eyebrows in challenge towards her roommate, who maturely pokes her tongue at her. Lincoln strokes Octavia’s shoulder in comfort, but he’s laughing quietly. “Besides, aren’t you playing at Ontari’s party? You must be busy with preparation.” She asks Niylah.

Lexa didn’t mean to say any of those words in an accusatory tone, and then only reason she thinks she might have is that Niylah looks suddenly uncomfortable. There’s newly tension around and the positive energy that was inducing Lexa into a more relaxing mood is fading. This is not an image she’s built herself. This intimidatory figure that people make her to be. She doesn’t care about Ontari, her party, doesn’t have sort of rivalry with her.

“That’s like a huge ass betrayal.” Octavia says with a laugh, but Lexa knows her well enough to understand there’s a little of actual allegation there. 

“No, it’s not.” Lexa rushes to say, looks up to Niylah. “Hey, I’m sure if I throw a party in the future, I can count on you to rock it just like you will Ontari’s.”

“Better than Ontari’s you mean.” Octavia suggests.

“O.” Bellamy scolds her with the big brother attitude he only uses when they’re among friends. “I’m sure you’ll do great, Niylah. Don’t look so tense, we’re not in high school anymore. Lexa’s only feud with Ontari is imaginary and its existence is limited to Octavia’s head.”

“She’s gonna try and subvert it all, just watch it.” Octavia whispers as Lexa shoots a thankful gaze in Bellamy’s direction, still feeling the stab of the situation though.

“I’m gonna take off.” Niylah says, slightly less uncomfortable, then jokes: “No time for friends right?”

Unexpected to herself even, Lexa grabs her bag and stands up. “I’ll go with you.”

“You’re leaving?” Lincoln asks, “Already? Night’s still young at this hour on Fridays.”

“It’s been a tiresome week.” Lexa feels as if this is true but for different reasons than usual. “I would enjoy a long night of sleep for once.”

“Yeah, I’d love the company.” Niylah quickly suggests. Lexa is thankful for it, because she feared her outburst might have scratched something there. “Let’s go, Woods.”

Lexa waves everyone goodbye and follows Niylah out of the bar, having a hard time catching up because of, you know, the high heels that have nothing on Niylah’s practical boots. 

The whole route to campus feels like torture with keeping the other girl’s fast pace and while Lexa is sure Niylah would slow down if asked, she is not exactly going to make such demands. There’s nothing bad about that, she thinks rationally. She thinks you can’t walk fast on heels, the evil voice in her head which cares too much about what someone would make of that whispers.

Now, while the main reason for Lexa to go with Niylah was to talk to her and try to soothe the damage she had done unawarely, words find a harder way manifesting in practice than they did in theory. In fact, most of the walk is quiet and uneasy. Lexa has almost given up completely to the idea of stirring a conversation out of this when Niylah suddenly stops and gestures for her to do the same.

“Oh my god.” She says, partly amused, partly surprised. “That’s my ex.”

Lexa follows her gaze curiously, but her relief with the possibility of talking is shockingly brief as her eyes meet Clarke’s figure by a bench. She is sitting there, all alone, under a lamppost, sketching like she had been a the coffee house. In that circle of artificial light, she seems completely at ease, unpreoccupied with the world around her. Her hand is smooth in the movements, Lexa can see that from a distance.

It’s only barely that she remembers Niylah is there too and realizes what she’s heard.

“Your … ex?” She asks, doubt coloring her tone.

“Yeah, Clarke.” Niylah shrugs, looking in Clarke’s direction. It makes something stir inside Lexa, between her chest and her stomach. “She’s really weird, I swear. Well, I suppose that you can see it for yourself.”

“I didn’t know …” Lexa begins, doesn’t know how to continue.

She’s known Niylah for a while and yet … she had no clue that she was into girls. They sat through so many classes together, talked about so many things. What sort of human relationships is Lexa establishing with people? It doesn’t look like Niylah is uncomfortable with her sexuality, it would have come up casually, right? That stirs back the weekly wound of how superficial her current relationships are in reality.

“Oh yeah, I’m a ladies-loving lady.” Niylah turns to smile at her. “That one though, she’s complicated.”

There would be so many things Lexa could say. She has so many thoughts to express on the tip of her tongue. 

She could open up to Niylah, tell her that this is not the first time she sees Clarke and that she’s been on her mind for a bit now. Would it be sensible though, to talk to her about it, to tell her that she’s been thinking about her ex more often than one girl should be entitled to think of a stranger she briefly met in a hallway? The new information about Niylah almost makes Lexa forget about all the reasons not to, as she thinks a woman who likes women will surely know to give Lexa some answers about her surely temporary ways towards girl of late. Then she thinks though, Niylah will know about the change; as trusting as she looks, who else will in the span of a few days? So telling about Clarke is off the table.

Among her options, she ponders asking about Niylah’s sexuality after all, in a more detached ‘how did you figure out’ casual conversation rather than a personal tone. Any other week, she might have, but now? Lexa’s barely been in control of her emotions over the past few days and she’s been an half-open book for anyone who knows her. Everyone can tell something is off, everyone can see her mind is elsewhere. If she asks those questions to Niylah and her false indifference slides off it, it would be just the same as having talked about those things she doesn’t want to name to herself even. There wouldn’t be any difference.

There’s Clarke. She could talk casually about Clarke. She could observe facts about what she is doing this exact moment, in front of their eyes and gather information off Niylah’s comments. Wouldn’t that look as if she has the exact interest in this stranger that she truly does though? What if Niylah can see through her and figure Lexa is oddly fixated on this girl. 

So between all of the options that she has, between all the things she could have said, Lexa ends up asking the question that will make her look exactly like what people think she is and what she is trying not to become.

“You dated that loser?” It almost makes her sick to say it, and yet, it’s out. “I can see that she’s weird. It’s almost midnight ... look at where she is.”

Niylah’s expression is unsure for a moment, then she finally speaks, breaking through Lexa’s quiet panic.

“Strange and unique go along most of the time. She never opened up to me the way I wish she had. I’m sure there’s so much about her ...” She sounds genuinely curious as she speaks. “Us artists, we all have a different way to be weird anyway. I’m not trying to elevate her to make myself look cool for dating her, just saying.”

Lexa scoffs falsely. “Cool? The most you can get out of this is looking decent.”

Niylah seems surprised, like she didn’t have any clue Lexa could be so mean. How is Lexa going to blame her, though? She is almost as surprised at her own words, at how easily she lied. If she had been half as good at being in control of her nerves as she is at trash-talking other students with no apparent care, this would have been an easier week.

“Jeez, alright.” Niylah says, but it’s evident she is thinking awfully of Lexa.

For some reason, this stirs much more than any other thing she’s considered until moments ago. Someone believing she is actually this awful is much worse than thinking she can’t walk on heels or gossiping about how she is dressed. What kind of pathetic social college trap has she fallen into?

She’s about to finally let go to that part of her that wants to fight unnatural instincts and follow the ones that come from who she was before the popular life when her eyes fall on the bench Clarke was sitting on. Of course, she’s gone again, soundless and invisible. What is she, Batman?

“I’ll call it a night.” Niylah says, with some detachment. “See you around, boss.”

Lexa doesn’t say anything, only waves her goodnight and watches her walk to the dorms. It’s so awful to be this disturbing to someone that they would walk alone at midnight even though you’re headed in the same direction. 

For the first time, Lexa feels truly hurt. It’s not just conscience, it’s not just confusion over her life choices. This actually hurts on a deeper level, one that makes her inside feel like it’s contracting on itself and concretely causing physical pain. She feels the burn of tears at the side of her eyes and wraps her arms all around herself. When did she let this cold careless figure replace her caring heart?

Every step to her room is hazardous as rushes through the hallways and simply does not care about looking like a stumbling dinosaur on her heels. All she wants is to reach her safe castle, her quiet spot and let go in a way she hasn’t in years. She feels empty and full of rage and disappointment at the same time. She feels as if she’s slept a long unaware sleep and lived through the life of this other Lexa Wood she has no conscious respect for. 

As agitated as she feels though, all she can do when she reaches her room is pace around. Not even a warm shower is doing anything to calm her. The only clue for her to slip into bed is when she hears Octavia’s laugh in the hallway. That gets her to jump under covers, if anything to avoid the questions and the comments on her millionth weird behavior.

Something is making her chest ache and through the negative emotions, there is some hopefulness she cannot place. She goes back and forward in her head, lives in her mind all the events that occurred since meeting Clarke until the whole Niylah accident moments ago. It’s like a movie in an endless loop, a film on her entire week playing over and over again until she’s emotionally drained out enough to fall into tiredness. Still, nothing about it all seems to justify such emotion.

Then, when she’s a second away from drifting, in that state of cloudy confusion between real life and the land of unconsciousness, a rush that goes from brain to chest then up to her head again in a brief second whispers: it’s Clarke. Clarke is into girls. 

Lexa spends the entire night only pretending to sleep and trying to mistake hopeful for anything else, really.

**Author's Note:**

> If you have some time, please consider commenting on this. I am completely new to to writing this ship in a dedicated way and I feel like I could use the criticism. Thank you for reading. If you have questions, you can also find me at supercanaries on Tumblr!


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